These Go To Eleven

Two of the quotes below are from an actual interview with the actual Alan White, drummer for actual prog-rock legends Yes, in the actual Patriot-News this week, actually. The rest are from This Is Spinal Tap. Which is which?

(1) He died in a bizarre gardening accident.

(2) You can't really dust for vomit.

(3) Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation.

(4) He actually died for two minutes, but the medics revived him, so he was pretty lucky.

(5) And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.

(6) Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.

(7) I think you always feel like he's in the band. I think he feels like he's still part of the band. He's just not in the band at the moment. Who knows? One day he'll come back and do something with the band.

(8) Well, I don't really think that the end can be assessed as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how - what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question to you.

(9) They're two distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.

(10) No. No. No. I feel it's like, it's more like going, going to a, a national park or something. And there's, you know, they preserve the moose. And that's, that's my childhood up there on stage. That moose, you know.

(11) These go to eleven.

Next...

Now what?

Well, we've still got two wars to fight. I want to see President Obama activate the Texas Air National Guard, call back everybody whose service is in question, and send them over to Iraq pronto.

Also, anybody who had, say, five deferments during the Viet Nam war should be conscripted and sent to the front lines. With the bigger, better Democratic majorities in Congress, it shouldn't be hard to draft and pass the appropriate legislation. Give Cheney a shotgun full of birdshot pellets and send him on his merry way.

Sarah Palin, the exit door from the national stage is thatta-way. Some day, perhaps soon, the bizarre selection of this bizarre personage as a once-great political party's candidate for the second-highest office in the land may be viewed as a beautiful pop art stunt, an electric Kool-Aid freakout of the highest order, a surreal piece of performance art on a par with Salvador Dali arriving at a lecture in a limousine filled with cauliflowers. McCain's identification of Plain Palin as Teh Great Hope Of Th' Republican Party resembled nothing so much as Andy Warhol's cynical, ironic elevation of a series of dope fiends, transvestites and lost little girls as "superstars." Fifteen minutes of fame is just about right. I expect Palin to turn up next on a reality TV show, perhaps sharing living space with Vanilla Ice or one of the kids from Growing Pains.

Who do the Republicans have left? 2012 is a long way off, and 2016 is about a million years away, but who do they have right now? Romney? Giuliani? Arnie? Jeb? Mike Bloomberg? Is Karl Rove going to stitch together some Frankenstein's monster in some dark laboratory somewhere?

John Paul Stevens can safely retire and let President Obama nominate his replacement on the Supreme Court to a friendly Senate.

I would like to see John Edwards play a part in Obama's administration, if he wants to.

The South, seriously, what the hell? Here's the map:


I've said it before: this country actually fought a bloody war to force these Johnny Reb states to stay in the union. At least Florida and Virginia came to their senses this year.

Watching: Vantage Point

Rashomon meets The Manchurian Candidate for drinks at The Battle of Algiers. They get drunk on cheap Spanish wine, then Crash into James Bond, Jason Bourne and JFK. A few months later, they give birth to this premature, underweight bastard retard whoreson of a movie.

What I learned from this movie is that the only thing stopping the terrorists from completing their evil (and complicated) plan to assassinate and/or kidnap the president (William Hurt!) is the serendipity of a little Spanish girl skipping frantically across 8 lanes of Traffic.

Ironic Poseurs Of The World...

...unite and take over.

The Fox TV network is using (a crappy emo cover of) Everyday Is Like Sunday during its NFL promos. The original is a so-so track on Morrissey's debut solo album ~20 years ago.

If you played word association, Morrissey is quite possibly the very, very, very last singer you would ever link with anything to do with the National Football League.

Hang the DJ, indeed.

Video Vault: Nirvana, Smells Like Teen Spirit

At the 1:05 mark: Kurt roars, "With the lights out...," and the 90s begin.


Premiered on MTV's 120 Minutes 9-15-91.

Really, Though...

Where's Bin Laden?

Music: Response

Making movies about music is like blogging about... um, gardening -- no, needlepoint. No, that's not it, either. Uh, stamp collecting? Something.

Really, I'll take The Glenn Miller Story, which long ago drew up the blueprint and set the standard for this sort of thing. It's got all the familiar elements: Glenn struggles early on, even pawning his trombone, takes unsatisfying jobs in other people's bands, hangs out with Colonel Potter, then has a spark of inspiration, finds a core of trusted mates to believe in (and bankroll) him, hits it big, buys a big house, marries the girl of his dreams, writes a bunch of hits based directly on his life, gets addicted to smack, and...

OK, he didn't get addicted to smack. They didn't do that back then, or at least they didn't make movies where that happened. What happens instead is that he joins the Air Force during WWII, and gets shot down over Europe traveling between shows ("gigs," as the hep cats refer to them), thus establishing a precedent observed by stars of all genres such as Buddy Holly, Jim Croce, Lynyrd Skynyrd, and my favorite star on all the K-Tel compilations, Manny More.

I really like the way Glenn's death is handled in the film. He shares one last meaningful, playful phone call with his sweetheart, then climbs into the plane and it just sort of ... vanishes ... into the clouds, in a sort of apotheosis. They don't make 'em like that any more.

They do, however, follow all of the other standard plot points established way back in the 1940s. I'm waiting for the Kraftwerk movie, which will probably never be made, so I've been watching a bunch of the others recently. (There's a bunch more I haven't actually seen, but that's not gonna stop me from writing about them.) Here's a rundown:

Movie: Walk The Line
Performer: Johnny Cash
Instrument: Guitar
Original Musical Style: Cornpone Country/Nascent Rock 'n Roll
Drug: Pills
Musical Innovation: Jerry-rigging Confessional Folk/Singer-Songwriter to Rhinestone Country
Image: Man in Black
Died As: Beloved American Icon / Pale Imitation of Former Self
Glib Summary: In which a simple country boy uses his unique musical gift to escape a life of rural despair marred by tragedy, only to lapse into paralyzing drug abuse and marital infidelity, before finally being redeemed by the love of a good woman and becoming an American icon in the process.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: Ring Of Fire

Movie: Ray
Performer: Ray Charles
Instrument: Piano
Original Musical Style: Copycat R&B (Nat King Cole, Charles Brown, etc.)
Drug: Heroin, believe it or not
Musical Innovation: Shotgun wedding of gospel & R&B
Image: Black Man in Sunglasses (pre-Stevie Wonder)
Died As: Beloved American Icon / Pale Imitation of Former Self
Glib Summary: In which a simple country boy uses his unique musical gift to escape a life of rural despair marred by tragedy, only to lapse into paralyzing drug abuse and marital infidelity, before finally being redeemed by the love of a good woman and becoming an American icon in the process. Oh, and he's blind.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: Hit The Road, Jack

Movie: Great Balls Of Fire
Performer: Jerry Lee Lewis
Instrument: Pian'ner
Original Musical Style: Backwoods R&B
Drug: Teenage girls
Musical Innovation: Ladies and gentlemen, rock and roll.
Image: The Killer
Died As: You can't kill The Killer.
Glib Summary: Dennis Quaid is way too nice to play JLL. At least he used to be before he aged a bit and started taking oily roles in stuff like Traffic and Far From Heaven.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On

Movie: Sweet Dreams
Performer: Patsy Cline
Original Musical Style: Both kinds -- country, and western.
Drug: Fringe jackets
Musical Innovation: Polished Country & Western
Image: Sweetheart of the Rodeo
Died As: Beloved Crossover Country Star Killed in Tragic Plane Crash (Pre-John Denver)
Glib Summary: Yeah, I didn't actually get around to watching this one. Rented it and had it on the shelf for a week, but... eh. Jessica Lange, though.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: Didn't see it, but I'm guessing Crazy.

Movie: La Vie En Rose
Performer: Edith Piaf
Instrument: Voix
Original Musical Style: Gutter sluts of 1933.
Drug: Veuve Clicquot, morphine
Musical Innovation: Chansons de la rue, pour les bourgeios.
Image: Jean d'Arc in a black frock.
Died As: Everything cool about rock and roll -- the drugs, the affairs, the nervous breakdowns, the burial in Père Lachaise -- without the actual rock and/or roll.
Glib Summary: La vie, l'amour, la mort.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien

Movie: I'm Not There
Performer: Bob Dylan
Instrument: Guitar (Acoustic, then Electric) and God-awful screeching harmonica
Original Musical Style: Copycat Folk (Woody Guthrie, Pete Seeger, etc.)
Drug: Marijuana, etc.
Musical Innovation: Letting other people do better versions of songs he wrote.
Image: Jewish Guy in Sunglasses (pre-Lou Reed) / Judas
Died As: Pending
Glib Summary: Todd Haynes almost makes amends for his hatchet job on David Bowie. This actually broke the mold, being a cubist portrait of the man, the myth, the legend, rather than another standard rags to riches saga. Dylan means nothing to me, except as the guy in the Traveling Wilburys who can't sing, but I enjoyed this quite a bit.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: Like A Rolling Stone

Movie: Control
Performer: Ian Curtis
Instrument: Vocals (overproduced by Martin Hannett)
Original Musical Style: Copycat Iggy Pop
Drug: Prescription meds for epilepsy
Musical Innovation: Burroughs and Ballard re-done as minimalist metallic pseudo-fascist battle hymns.
Image: Post-punk British Jim Morrison
Died As: Tragic, Haunting Suicide Symbolizing Premature End of Promising Generation (pre-Kurt Cobain)
Glib Summary: I'm a big fan, but this was a pretty dreary affair. Fortunately, 24 Hour Party People tells much of the same story with better drugs and a whole lot more breeziness.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: Love Will Tear Us Apart

Movie: Beyond The Sea
Original Musical Style: Made to order pseudo-rock 'n roll novelty songs...eh, you know what? I already covered this one.

Movie: La Bamba
Performer: Richie Valens
Instrument: Una Poca De Gracia
Original Musical Style: No idea.
Drug: Tequila!
Musical Innovation: Kid Friendly Tex-Mex (much like Chili's restaurants)
Image: Non-threatening Hispanic guy (non-Ricky Ricardo division)
Died As: Other guy in plane with Buddy Holly and that Bopper guy
Glib Summary: Yeah, I didn't see this one either. It was a big hit, though.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: Probably Donna.

Movie: What's Love Got To Do With It?
Performer: Tina Turner
Instrument: Screech/blond wig
Original Musical Style: Whatever Ike says.
Drug: Mascara
Musical Innovation: Getting away from Ike.
Image: Gypsy, acid queen.
Died As: N/A
Glib Summary: I only watched bits and pieces of this one.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: Um, Proud Mary?

Movie: Bird
Performer: Charlie Parker
Instrument: Saxamaphone
Original Musical Style: Bop
Drug: Heroin
Musical Innovation: Be-bop
Image: Cool jazz guy
Died As: Early demonstration of maxim "It's better to burn out than to fade away."
Glib Summary: Saw some of this one. Forest Whitaker sure was good in The Last King of Scotland, though.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: It's jazz; all the songs sound the same.

Movie: Sid & Nancy
Performer: Sid Vicious
Instrument: Leather jacket
Original Musical Style: Jumping up and down in front of the stage
Drug: (yawn) Heroin
Musical Innovation: Jumping up and down on the stage
Image: Glorious Disaster
Died As: Junkie / accused murderer
Glib Summary: Art from trash.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: God Save The Queen

Movie: The Doors
Performer: Jim Morrison (and, duh, the Doors)
Instrument: Vocals, leather pants
Original Musical Style: Bad beach bum blues
Drug: LSD
Musical Innovation: Norton Anthology of American Literature set to carnival-style pseudo-psychedelic blues
Image: Lizard King, natch
Died As: Bloated Fat Parody of Self (pre-Elvis Presley)
Glib Summary: Like, wow. Hey! Who let Meg Ryan on to the set?
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: Break On Through

Movie: We Jam Econo
Performer: D. Boon (of the Minutemen)
Instrument: Singer/activist
Original Musical Style: Punk rock (learned in Hollywood; drove up from Pedro)
Drug: Corona
Musical Innovation: White suburban punks trying to sound like James Brown
Image: Flyin' the flannel
Died As: Criminally underappreciated proto-grunge martyr to the cause (pre-Andrew Wood)
Glib Summary: Sad punks talk, talk, talkin' about their long-ago glory days.
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: History Lesson, Pt. 2

Movie: The Iggy Pop movie they're supposedly making starring Elijah Wood as Iggy. It'll probably be called Lust For Life, or The Passenger if they're feeling sinister (and haven't heard of Antonioni).
Performer: Iggy Pop
Instrument: Vocals, peanut butter, broken glass
Original Musical Style: White boy garage blues rock
Drug: More, please.
Musical Innovation: Putting id directly into amplifier.
Image: Street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm.
Died As: Pathetic junkie...actually, against all odds he survives to this day.
Glib Summary: It is highly unlikely that this supposed movie will actually be any good, but eh, who knows?
Classic Song Used As Way Too Obvious Music Cue: Any of about a dozen -- Nightclubbing, Funtime, Gimme Danger, Down On The Street, Dirt... I'm going with No Fun.