Patriot-News Columnists Condensed

Shorter Brett Lieberman: A couple of pointy-headed professors have reached the shocking conclusion that the Bush Administration may, may, be operating in a somewhat lawless fashion.

Shorter Alexis Dow: There's some really weird music coming to town this week.

Shorter Anne McGraw Reeves: Sting is a hero to us all not for his participation in many politically correct causes like saving the Amazon rainforest and raising money for African famine relief, but for the simple act of courageously playing a beat-up old bass guitar, thereby clearly demonstrating his intention to defy our culture's unhealthy obsession with self-improvement.

Shorter Kira Schlechter: That guy from Men at Work played here the other night.

Shorter Sara Bozich: I told you I was all out of ideas! So, no column this week, bitchez! [Oops, see comments! -- Ed.]

Shorter Sue Gleiter: There's another one of those places where you can pay to cook stuff in their kitchen instead of getting your own kitchen all messy and gross.

Shorter Mary O. Bradley: Mmmm, brownies...

Shorter Nancy Eshelman: [comment withheld to preserve author's potential inheritance]