Philadelphia Daily News Columnists Condensed

Shorter Bill Conlin: In my day, pitchers threw nine innings, uphill both ways in the snow, and they liked it!

Shorter Michael Smerconish: The time for the Democratic candidate for mayor to begin fulfilling his campaign promises is now, before he's taken office or even prevailed in the general election; he can start by magically increasing the disability pension paid to this firefighter of my choosing, whom I've cynically compared to the heroes of 9-11 for no apparent reason.

Shorter Stu Bykofsky: What this country needs more than anything is another 9-11 so we can once again unite in support of the misguided priorities of a temporarily popular president, whoever he (or she) (but mostly he) may be.

Shorter John Baer: Another (yawn) member of the Casey political dynasty (yawn) might run for an office (yawn) you've never heard of (yawn).

Shorter Ronnie Polaneczky: These heartless municipal bureaucrats like, totally, took this one kid's skateboard ramp 'n stuff, just because he, like, left it in a city park or something. That sucks!